When Illness Strikes

"There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before." -Henry David Thoreau 

It's official, I belong in a plastic bubble...

My sophomore year in college consisted of me constantly being sick. Honestly to the point that I could build a skyscraper out of all my tissues. Yeah I know gross image...but I was truly sick. It felt as though every time I saw a doctor I had something new, some new internal infection; whether it be my sinus issues or my throat killing me. At one point, my doctor thought I had strep which was an issue because I was in a child development observation class and I had to be around children. How horrible would I feel if I got one of those little children sick? So I missed a lot of class. That's not something you want to do in college. I was so behind I thought I was going to fail at least two of my classes. 

Some days I just felt completely exhausted. Being stressed because of classes and other activities made it impossible for me to get better. I guess my body was more exhausted than I thought because the events following spring break led to the discovery of what was actually wrong with me.

What happened? Why am I on the floor? Did I really just pass out in my theater workshop? Ugh everyone is just looking at me...

My vision was still dark but I could see people standing around me as I sat there in confusion. A pierce ringing buzzed in my ear, distorting all sounds. "I'm fine" I said as the instructor came over to me. This was too sudden.

Great the paramedics are here...can this be anymore embarrassing?

I went through the routine questions I have been used to answering whenever I faint. "Yes, I have eaten" "No, I don't know why this happened" "Yes, you can check my blood pressure". 

As far as they could tell, I was fine but they thought I should go to the hospital. Being stubborn and not wanting to pay the transportation fee I said I was okay. 

For the next 3 days I experienced the most frustrating headaches imaginable. I literally felt like I was going insane. So what did I do? I went to the campus health center; which resulted in a trip to the ER! Okay I wasn't that excited...I honestly waited an hour to actually go until the nurse at the health center said they would call the paramedics if I didn't get a ride to the ER right away.

Well 9 hrs and many tests later in the ER later and the doctor decided I just had a mere sinus infection...thankfully my big sister was there the whole time to keep me company. Just a sinus infection?

A week later the hospital tried to contact me but I kept missing so they called my mom and told her that it was important that I call them immediately. Naturally my first thought was "great I'm dying". Turned out they needed to run an angiogram on me in which they inserted a catheter in my arm to release contrast dye and get a clearer look at my brain. Now that felt like I was dying. Imagine your whole body feeling as if it was set on fire. Not fun. 

Then on the morning of my 20th birthday, June 4th, I get some not so great news. 

Did he just say I'm dying?

I looked over at my mom and can see how uncomfortable and sad she is as the doctor explains my diagnosis. It was as if she was right back in the room by herself hearing about her cancer all over again.

I have a brain avm in other words, "Your daughter has an abnormal artery located in her brain" was the jist of what he was saying. I'm not going to lie, the moment he started describing how at any second I could have a brain aneurysm or a seizure (which apparently I've had twice but they were babies), I completely felt like I was having a nightmare. I just turned 20. Who wants to be told that they only have so many years left to live on their birthday? He made it worse when my mom wanted to know how something like this could happen; doctor's response, "in you". A brain avm is something that a person is born with.

I was confused. But then I looked at my mom and felt her pain. So what did I do? I smiled and made lame jokes about knowing that I was damaged.